TA TU COME BACK
a novel in text messages
374 texts sent to a deputy’s cell phone
Moscow • 2006
I lost it today! All the things she said… I need Lana! It’s all so strange… I don’t understand what’s going on… I think… I think I love her…
Tonight I had a weird dream. She was in it. She embraced me gently, pulling me to her, and kissed me… And now I’m walking around in a complete daze. I only just now realized that I have been thinking about her for days ever since we met...
We met three months ago on an SMS forum. I was so bored and lonely… I just wanted to meet someone, anyone… We liked the same books, the same music, and we had the same problems…
My whole world is turned upside down! It’s like the sky is just about to fall on my food head! Can it really be that I’ve fallen in love with a girl?! How could it be?! I never thought of girls like that before… I’ve just lost it… It’s nonsense. Some sort of obsession… Maybe I’m just exhausted? Yes, I’ll just go to sleep, it will all go away. It will pass, all I have to do is shut my eyes…
“Hi! How are you?”
“Not bad. Going swimming today!”
“Cool. I’d like to go, too… with you… we should meet up soon."
“Yeah… It’d be interesting to have a look at you…”
“Really? Me too…”
“You’re acting strange today.”
“No. Everything’s the same. Everything’s OK.”
Yesterday when we were saying good-bye, she called me kitten! And suddenly... suddenly it wasn't just... maybe she does care about me? That thought is filling up my head and I can barely breathe. There's no air. This thought, it’s like a knife that cuts right through my body; it's incredibly painful. I can't understand why... This thought is not letting me rest. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT LANA MEANT. But how can I find out? I can’t just ask her straight out. I'm so scared of losing her. What little I have. I don't want to lose her! No! I can’t! No, no! I’m so tangled up… I don’t even know what I want. Or what I don’t want.
What’s happening to me? I don't know what's happening to me, but I don't need any white knights in shining armor. I don't know what's happening to me, but I don’t need any crystal castles in the sky. I don't know what's happening to me, but I don't need anyone anymore. Don't need ANYONE... except her.
We messaged each other all day today. Phone money's run out now. Now I have to get some more money somehow to top off, and soon…
We talked about everything. It’s weird, but I can’t argue with Lana. Even if she said we should go rob a bank or blow up the White House and then fly off to some impenetrable tropical forest to live out the rest of our days, I would say yes straight away. I'm glad Lana hasn't thought up anything like that... or maybe I'm not so glad...
“It’s so boring here, there’s nothing to do," she wrote me.
“So come over here, it’ll be fun,” I answered, mustering up my courage.
I want to see her so much, to hear her voice.
“Have you lost it?! Go all the way to Moscow?!”
“What do you mean?”
Does she really live so far away? Or…or just not… no, no I can’t even think about that. It scares me.
“It’s too far! I mean, no offense or anything, I want to see you, too, but not before next summer."
“No offense taken,” I lied. “Just an invitation…”
It’s been pouring down rain all day. I’ve been sitting by the window sill, looking out the window. The sky is overcast, filled with grey storm clouds and sharp drip-dropping of rain… matches my mood exactly. It’s been raining all day long, and all day long I think about her… I feel like my heart is about to burst.
I’ve been wanting to hear her voice for so long, and finally last night I called her. I was really nervous, but I did it. When I dialed her number, my heart was pounding so fast, I thought it was going to jump out of my sad little body and fly up into the sky.
The phone rang a long time. Once, twice, three times… if only it wouldn't happen... if only she didn't pick up... if only...
“Hello,” I finally hear.
I like her voice. It's gentle and confident at the same time. Strength and weakness. I like that combination, I like it a lot. I like her voice, precisely because it's her voice. I like her so much, because...
“Hello," I answer.
Damn it! I didn’t answer, I mumbled! My voice is shaky, my mouth dry. What should I do?!
My foolish thoughts are interrupted by a question: "How are you?"
“Everything’s good, I was walking with some friends in the park. Then I remembered you and decided to call you.”
I remembered you?! I didn’t remember! It’s impossible to remember someone if you are incessantly thinking about them.
“Everything here’s good, too. What’re you doing on the weekend?”
We chatted for about 15 minutes. I didn’t have a lot of money on my phone, just like usual... It's so easy to talk to her. It's never been so easy to talk with anyone like with Lana. But... I said everything wrong, not like how I'd wanted to say it. It's so hard to contain oneself, not to have a chance to really trust someone... What's going to happen now? I need Lana more and more with every day. I feel lonely more and more often. I can't go on like this. But what else can I do...?
A person can hold her emotions inside only for so long. She's got to share it with someone. I couldn't keep quiet about it anymore. I just physically couldn't...
Kristina is my best friend. I know her whole life story. We always tell each other our deepest secrets, our hopes and our dreams. Will she be able to understand me this time?
“You’ve been acting weird lately. What’s up?” she asked me the last time we talked on the phone.
I can’t answer anything.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“Kris…” I start, weakly.
I am not sure about her at all, about me, about Lana, about my feelings for Lana, about whether or not I should tell Kristina.
“How do you know if you’ve fallen in love with someone,” I ask, cowardly.
“I don’t know… just tell me, what happened?”
“I don’t even know what to say..." I say, and them I am quiet.
Really, what can be said? How do you explain it?
“…well… I’m not really sure.. I don’t know.. I think I like this one person…”
“Well, so what's the big deal? What a freakin’ tragedy! So who is he? Do I know him? Tell, tell!”
“It’s not a he. It’s a she…” I whisper.
Complete and utter silence takes over the phone line. A deathly silence.
“What? What are you talking about?” is all Kristina can say.
“I like a girl,” I say. Kristina says nothing. “Lana." It seems to get even quieter. And then I whisper: "I think I'm in love with her..."
“Well… I don't know what to tell you... I mean, how’d you…? I don’t get it… I mean, I don't have anything against lesbians, but... it is your life after all..." Kristina was just blurting things out.
Would she turn her back on me? I couldn’t stand it if she did.
“So what exactly are you telling me? You aren't going to talk to me anymore? I'm not your best friend anymore?"
There is a long, heavy silence. We are quiet for about 15 minutes, the longest 15 minutes of my life. I don't know anything anymore. I can't know anything anymore. What’s going to happen now?
“It’s your life,” Kristina says finally. “Love who you want to. I don’t care. You’re my best friend and I accept you any way you are… even though I don't understand it..."
“So… everything’s OK? Everything will be like before,” I exhale.
“Probably… well, I hope so.”
I felt so much better after I told Kris everything. I realized that there is someone who accepts me the way I am, who will always support me. That's so important.
I don’t believe in the power of love so much, but I totally believe in the power of friendship.
Now every time I talk with Kristina, the conversation somehow turns to Lana. It's not a bad thing at all, really, now that I can share this with someone. Even if this someone doesn’t always understand...
When I opened up, I felt so much better. But now I feel that loneliness coming back. Sure, Kristina listens to me, gives me her advice, but she doesn’t understand. And sometimes she blurts out a nasty joke. Not on purpose. It just comes out… She doesn't understand what I feel. No one can understand…
My thoughts are full of Lana, and all I can think about is meeting her. "You know, maybe if you finally meet, you'll see that you don't love her at all. Maybe you fell in love with some idea that you made up, or maybe you just wanted to fall in love with someone, and along came Lana - the perfect person, just what you'd always imagined. She doesn't even really have a gender to you," Kristina said one day. Yeah... I guess it could be like that. But how do I really know? How can I see Lana?
I want so much to touch her, to feel her breathing, to taste her lips… No! I cannot go on like this! I am losing my mind! If I haven’t lost it already, that is… This obsession has to fizzle out, or it’s going to dig itself even deeper into my skin and become one with my body.
I want to see her so badly. So badly…
I. Love. Lana. Maybe I had some hope before that none of this is true, it's all just imagined. Not anymore. Those hopes are irrevocably and indubitably over and done for. The brick fortress of my hope couldn’t sustain the pressure any longer and crumbled at the first major strike. It is destroyed, down to its very foundations, and the bricks are tiny, burnt pebbles that have exploded outward. There's nothing I can do now. I can't turn back time...
I was sitting in physics class, doodling. I took my pink pen and started drawing something. Just drawing, without really paying attention to what I was drawing. There was nothing else to do. I hate physics, it’s boring and totally incomprehensible. Incomprehensible, just like Lana. But I love Lana… I didn’t even notice when I drew a heart with open arms pointed up towards the sky and huge, sad eyes. And I had drawn something next to the heart, something like walls... My own hand made that picture, and I hadn't been thinking of anything in particular at the moment... Sasha, who had been asleep the entire class (she's got it easy! just covered her face with her long, blonde hair and fell asleep; not like anyone's going to notice, anyway... I wonder if Lana has hair like that, soft and full?) woke up and looked at my notebook.
“Well looky here,” Sasha stretched out in her typical manner. “And who are we in love with?”
Interesting... such quick conclusions!
“What are you talking about? I’m not in love with anyone! What gives?”
“Just a question…” she sat up straight, with a very intelligent, mysterious expression. "In my spare time, I read a lot of books. Like about psychology, for example..."
Sasha? Reading ‘smart’ books? In her free time? Like when she's dying her hair or doing her nails?
“What’s that got to do with me?”
“You know, you can tell a lot about a person by what they draw, like what’s bothering you.”
“Right. So you’re a psychologist now, are you? Tell me what’s bothering me, then.” I challenged.
“You love someone, but there’s something standing in the way between you and him. Or at least that's what you think."
“I’m not in love with anyone! Your psychology is a bunch of crap!” I blurted out, blushing.
“Sure you do, I can see it in your eyes, baby…”
Man, did she ever hit the nail on the head! Goddamn subconscious! Whatever. Doesn’t mean anything anyway. She only made one little mistake. She said there’s something standing in the way between me and him, but really it's between me and her...
I just have to meet with Lana. It’s the only way I can figure myself out. The only way…
I’m so lonely, it keeps getting worse. I’m not like everyone else. I feel like I’ve been put inside some kind of glass box. Just when I try to get close to someone, I run into these invisible walls. I scream, but no one hears me. I’m not myself. I’m not my own. I’m not anybody’s. I’m all alone. There is only me, and this vague feeling.
Everyday and every night I ask myself the same question: why? But I can’t find an answer. Maybe the answer is with Lana... but to go there, I'll need to be strong, to be brave. But I'm not, I never was.
“Lana, what do you think about friendships by text messaging?" I ask, trying to understand something.
“If I’m talking with you, then it’s all good. I like that…”
Goddamn cellular providers! I only got half of her message! I wait for a minute. Two. Three, five, ten, fifteen… What is it she likes?
“That there are no strings attached. If you get tired of it, you can stop talking anytime without any explanation.”
No! No, you can’t! You can’t do that with me! It hurts so much! This feeling, as if Lana decided to use my heart to prop open a window. She just wanted a nice, warm breeze. That’s all... and the heart is caught, squeezed. It hurts. I'm such an idiot!
“I think you can find true friends by text messaging.”
“You know, I think I’ve already found a real friend."
It’s like some sort of nightmare! I keep drawing little hearts everywhere, all the time! Today I ruined Sasha’s textbook - now all of the pages are covered in a thick layer of hearts. She nearly killed me. And Sveta can't stand the sight of hearts anymore at this point.
During chemistry, she kept laughing when she saw what was between the formulas and the chemical reactions, where yet another group of hearts had been most unceremoniously inserted. I've made everyone sick and tired of it all... can I really be in love? I keep calling everyone Lana by mistake... No matter what I do, it all comes back to her. I'm probably crazy. I should see a doctor or something.
I feel like I won’t be able to live till summer. I just want to meet Lana. But what will I say to her? After all, she doesn't know about any of this at all…
Lana always calls me ‘Kitten.’ What can it mean?
“Hmm… maybe she likes you? Or maybe she’s some sort of pervert…Interesting… no, really, what if she is a lesbo? You should find out! I mean, what if she started hitting on you or something? Gross!"
“Oh, stop it, Sasha! Lana’s straight. There’s nothing wrong with her. And what’s the matter, anyway, you got something against gays and lesbians?”
“No, as long as they stay away from me.”
“…no, really. I want to know what you think."
“I mean do you think Lana likes me?”
“How the hell should I know? She’s your friend, not mine! Maybe she does… I hope you’re not that way.”
“What are you, an idiot?! There’s nothing wrong with me!”
“Well who would know? Whatever, no offense, OK? I was just kidding…”
I am breathless from the taste of wine, from my impropriety. Whatever’s happening to me can’t be good. It’s very bad. It’s nasty. I disgust myself. It’s disgusting! Nasty! Evil! Revolting! I don't want to live. How can I live like this, anyway? How can I live in love with someone I’ve never even met? How can I live in love with someone who doesn’t love me back? How can I live in love with a girl… if I’m a girl, too… It's just so awful. I want to forget everything. I want to be like a snake, and crawl out of my old skin, and live like I did before Lana. Like nothing ever happened at all… But I can’t - I can’t! It’s crushing my lungs, and I can no longer breathe easily. My thoughts are all tangled up, spinning around my head at the speed of light, and I don't have the strength to see what's what. Just the taste of wine, the constant taste of wine sitting quietly in a dark corner of my soul. It doesn't go anywhere, and it looks at me with its tiny, frightening eyes. When will it finally leave?! This can't go on forever! Why me?! I’ll probably burn on a stake like a witch in the middle ages for my forbidden, sacrilegious feelings! I don’t want this… Please… please, don’t… Let me go, Lana…
“Hi there, Kitten.”
“Why ‘kitten’?” my voice wavered.
Tell me why? Don’t torture me.
“I don’t know… just you remind me of a kitten… You’re so helpless and gentle… If you don’t like it, I won’t call you that anymore..."
“No! I like it… a lot…”
I feel like bursting into tears, and I don’t know why. She’ll hear it, she’ll definitely hear my heart pounding away… Why? There’s a pause. Too long. Too torturous. I hear Lana breathing. I want to say something, and I want her to answer something… But what?
“So how are you?”
Could I have thought of a stupider question?! That’s not what I wanted to ask her. Not it at all. But I just can’t make myself ask something else… So all I’m left with is that idiotic “so how are you?”
“Everything’s good… you?” Did she want to ask something else, too? No. She can’t. She can’t know. Ever…
“Things are good here, too.”
But I’m thinking: “…only I’m so lonely without you, I’m going crazy alone, I live only with thoughts of you…” Like that! Her voice! But there’s a frog in my throat. I can’t say anything now. The words were on the tip of my tongue. But not now. Not now. But…
“You know, I…”
No! I can’t say it!
“What? What is it? Tell me…”
Is it me, or is her voice trembling? Why? Why are tears falling from my eyes? Why are my lips trembling?
“Oh.. no, it’s nothing… just nothing… well, bye.”
Tears are raining from my eyes, burning my cheeks. My heart is breaking…
Day. Night… Night. Day… Everything is the same. Time is stretching out into infinity. Nothing changes. Just these black, grey days… I just sit and veg out in front of the TV. More endless ads… Ads, ads, ads! Enough is enough! I’m so sick of everything! Then I hear some familiar music... it’s ‘disabled people’ by t.A.T.u… some special concert… A record release party for t.A.T.u.’s new album at the club Gaudi?! Now this is interesting! I’ve been waiting for this forever! We have waited so long… Lana and I… I really, really want her to go with me. Then I could tell her everything… I couldn’t stay quiet any longer… I can’t stay quiet any longer. We have to go there together, otherwise these heavy, grey days and nights are never going to end. Never.
“Hi! Kris, I gotta talk with you ASAP! I just got this crazy idea.”
“Did you see the ad for t.A.T.u.’s new record release concert at Gaudi?”
“You gonna go?”
“Jane, are you kidding me? Where am I gonna get the money?! Sure it would be awesome to see the t.A.T.u. chicks live, but I'm broke... So I take it you're going?"
“I’m going, and that’s why I’m calling you…”
“I have been saving money for a long time… maybe I should get two tickets..."
“You wanna buy me a ticket? Hey, I won’t stop you. I’d go.”
“No! I don’t want to go with you!”
“What?! You’ve got some nerve, then!”
“No! I mean. I mean, I want to go with you, but… how do I say this… no offense, right? Just let me finish.”
“Fine, bitch, finish. So who will be replacing your best friend?”
“Well I wanted to invited Lana. What do you think?”
“Well, if Lana… I dunno. I really don’t know, I need to think…”
“So you think she’d say no?”
“That’s not what I said…”
“KRIS!!! C’mon, help me out here! I need your advice. The tickets might sell out. I wanted to go buy them tomorrow. Help!!”
“Maybe Lana will say yes… I don’t know… Try it... she's a fan, too, right? It might be a good way to tell her evreything... I don't really know.
“Yeah… I guess I’ll buy them… I want to see her so bad…”
“Then go get the tickets… Only I can’t cover for you. Me and the old folks are going out of town for the weekend…”
“No need to cover for me, I’m not going to tell them anything. I’ll call ‘em from the club. If Lana can’t come, then you can have her ticket..."
“Geez, thanks a lot! You’re soooo generous! So go get your tickets, already. I’m crossing my fingers for you. Call me after you talk to her, OK?”
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Did you know that t.A.T.u. is gonna have a record release party on the 28th?"
“Well, yeah. Saw it on the tube…”
“I got two tickets. For you and me… come to Moscow!”
“Have you lost your mind?! I can’t! No one will let me go! Where will I get money for the ticket?!”
“Well, make something up… don’t you want to see the concert?... or me?...”
“I do. I really do…but what should I say?”
– “I don’t know. Make something up… we have the tickets. And there’s less than a week left… I’ll be waiting…”
She hasn’t called and she hasn’t written. It’s like time has completely frozen. The endless grey days have returned. There’s only a few days left before the concert. Lana isn’t coming. She’s not coming. Ever… What am I going to do now? What now? It’s so cold outside. It’s snowing. Everything is grey. I’m so alone… Nothing is ever going to change. Ever… God, what an idiot I am for hoping that something good would happen to me. It never will. My life is always going to be grey and lonely, like that street outside... Lana isn't coming...
“Did I wake you up?”
“No, I was just getting ready for bed. So? You coming???"
“I’m coming! I’m coming!"
“YES!!! All right!
“I still can’t believe it myself.”
“How did you manage it? So they're letting you go?"
“I made arrangements with this one classmate, and we told my mom that I’m going to her dacha for the weekend. She barely let me go. I can’t stand her. She thinks everything should be exactly the way she wants it. Hold ON!"
“Where’d you get the money for the ticket? Did your mom give it to you?”
“Yeah right! She’s given me money, like, two times. I can’t even get two bucks outta her for a lousy stick of lip gloss. All she can think of is saving for her stupid house out in the boondocks. Fantastic. As long as she doens't think I'm moving out there with her!"
“So where’d you get the money then?”
“I just got it. It’s not important. I borrowed from some good people. It’s enough for the ticket and a party.”
“Awesome! When are you coming?”
“The morning of the 28th. At 10:50 I think. I’ll write you from the train, and we can arrange everything."
“OK. I'll be waiting. I'll definitely come pick you up. Good night!"
“Good night, Kitten.”
I can’t believe it! She’s coming!! Lana wrote me about it last night, when I’d already gone to bed… I can’t believe it! She’s coming and I’m going to tell her everything. Everything. Doesn’t even matter what she looks like. I really don’t care. I love her. The only important thing is that we see each other. We’ll be together… and to hell with everything else. I want to be with Lana, I don’t care if the whole world is against me… As long as she doesn't reject me... I won't be able to deal if she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I just won't be able to deal. I'll cut my wrists…
“She’s coming! She’s coming! Can you believe it?!” I scream into the phone.
OK. So maybe it wasn’t the best idea to call Kristina at 9:00am on a Sunday…
“Great! ...d'you think you could have called any earlier?” Kristina growls.
“Oops.. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
“As usual,” Kristina laughed sleepily. “Well go on, then. Tell me what happened."
“Lana is coming on the morning of the 28th. She got some money for the ticket and other stuff, and told her mom she’s going to a classmate’s dacha. It’s so awesome, I can’t believe it. I’m so happy!”
“I’m happy for you. Now you’ll get a good look at her. What will you do if you don’t like her?” Kris asked, now awake.
“I don’t know… I really don’t care what she looks like… I’ll like her any way she is,” I said thoughtlessly.
I really don’t care what she looks like. Ever if she turns out to be a cross-eyed cripple with a hunchback, I won’t care. I’m going to love her anyway…
“So are you going to tell her?”
“I don’t know… I’m kinda scared.”
“Well it’s up to you, but I think you should tell her everything. You’ll feel better. You won’t get lost in all the ‘what-ifs’ anymore. Everything will become crystal clear. I really think you should tell her…”
“I don’t know. We’ll see. Maybe I will tell her.”
Here we are, the morning of the 28th. I couldn’t sleep all night long. I keep thinking about Lana. I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet today. It’s finally going to happen! All night long I thought about what I will wear, what makeup I'll put on, how to do my hair. I think it came out pretty good... But what if she doesn't like me? What if she has a boyfriend, and she comes with him? No! I can't even stand to think about that! I’m scared… When will she send me the next text?
“Awesome! I’ll be at the station in about two hours." It's as if she were reading my thoughts and answered right away.
Oh my God! Just two hours left! I’m finally going to see her!
“Hey! So when exactly are you getting in and where should we meet?" I’m practically burning with impatience, happiness and anxiety. I type the text with hands shaking.
“The train gets in at 10:50, let’s meet on the platform. Find the arrival platform for the train from Stari Luk, and wait there, OK?”
“OK. What do you look like?”
“Long, light hair, about 175 cm tall. I'm wearing a dark blue jacket lined with fur and black jeans with patches. What about you?”
Based on her description, she is really cute! I cannot wait to see her!
“Light brown shoulder-length hair, 165cm tall. I'll be in a beige knee-length coat and grey jeans with rips.
“Cool. Don’t be late!”
No way, no how will I be late! I’m practically running there already! I'm practically flying! Fast as I can to embrace Lana, my Lana...
Just five more minutes before the train arrives. It's like time is totally standing still! I can't wait anymore! Nobody understands... People are running endlessly up and down the platform, they don’t have any idea, they don’t care that in just a few, teeny tiny minutes, I’m going to have the most important meeting of my entire life. I am going to meet my beloved… Any minute now…
I can’t believe it! It’s happening! The train is so close now, it’s almost here. Oh please, don’t let anything happen. What if it stops somewhere, and doesn’t reach the station? What if it doesn’t bring my Lana to me? I don’t care, I’ll walk the difference and climb in to her through the window... What is this, anyway? Why would a train stop just a few meters from the platform? Christ, I'm such an idiot... It’s here. Now all of the passengers will come out… and her. She’s getting out now! I’m finally going to see her! Oh, my heart is stomping in my chest, it’s going to jump right out of me! My hands are shaking. I may very well just die right here from anxiety. Right here on this platform. And I'll never have seen Lana...
People start coming out one by one. Children, old grannies, some family… not her. Then I think I spot a blonde… nope! That’s not Lana, she's wearing a skirt. Where is Lana?! One of the last people to finally exit is a cute girl. She is carrying almost nothing with her, just a backpack. A tall blonde in a dark blue jacket and patched pants... It can't be... can it be? Is it Lana? She steps onto the platform and starts looking for someone. She has such a confident gaze, almost predatory. She sees me, thinks for about 10 seconds, and comes up to me and asks:
“Are you Jane?”
Yes! Yes-yes-yes! It’s her, it’s Lana!
“Yeah, and you’re Lana?” I croaked, unable to take my eyes off her.
She’s so sweet…
“We finally meet,” Lana smiles and gives me a hug.
At this moment, I feel like my heart has stopped beating, like the whole world has stopped. There’s no more noise, no clatter of voices around me, all of the hustle and bustle of the train station has vanished, even the trains are gone. It’s just me and Lana. She has such soft, strong hands. Strength and weakness. My favorite combination. I would have stood their forever, holding her close with all of my body, relaxed, softened, with Lana. Oh, to die in her embrace…
“So, where are we going?" Lana asked happily, still looking at me.
Everything good comes to a swift end. Our embrace didn’t last too long. Shame…
“Where do you want to go? We’ve got plenty of time. We can walk around Moscow, we could go to a cafe, or to my place. My parents’ll be working late today. There’s no one home.” I don’t know why I blurted that out.
I really wanted Lana to see my apartment. I don’t know why.
“Well, I’ve already seen Moscow. I came with my mom a couple of times on tours… It’s all right, as far as cities go. Nothing extraordinary. Stary Luki is much better. We’ve got real nature there, real grass, live trees. Not like here. Everything here is so artificial. Plastic… Sorry… Let’s go sit around somewhere for a while, and then go to your place. I really wanna see where you live,” Lana smiled sweetly.
Her eyes twinkled craftily. If only I knew what it meant.
“Let’s go!" I said. Like always, I couldn’t resist Lana.
We’re sitting in a cozy little cafe, eating ice cream. I can’t take my eyes off Lana. Her hair is so soft, oh, to run my fingers through it… She has such sensual lips. Lana isn’t like me at all, she’s not quiet or reserved. She’s energetic, daring, you can tell right away that she always gets what she wants. I’m not afraid of anything with Lana. I learn that she plays sports, and loves to ski. I only got Cs in P.E. I can’t even do one push-up.
“You’re just like I imagined you’d be," Lana pronounces.
“Really?” I blush. I blush a lot, maybe too much. “You're not like what I thought.”
“What did you think I would be like?” she asks, suddenly looking me straight in the eye. I can’t look away, it’s like she’s hypnotized me. Lana, do whatever you want with me. “How do you like the real me, the original?"
“You’re really pretty. I mean it.”
As long as she doesn’t know, as long as she doesn’t…
“I think you’re really pretty, too,” Lana smiles.
Her smile puts a spell on me, makes me prepared to do anything for the sake of that smile... There's a long pause. We look at each other without saying a word.
“So when does it start,” Lana asks, breaking the silence.
“At nine, but we should get there earlier… We still have a lot of time. I can’t wait to see t.A.T.u. with their new album! I gotta get Lena’s autograph, and see if I can get a picture with her…”
“Yeah,” Lana mumbles, as if lost in thought. "We'll meet them. Somehow... "
I wonder, how does she do it?
“How?” I ask shyly. “How do you plan to meet them?”
“I don't know yet, but I'll meet them. You don't know me too well yet. I didn't come here for nothing," Lana smiled slyly.
I had no doubt in my mind then - she was going to meet them.
“How about going to your place, then?” Lana asked, getting up from the table.
“Sure,” I said, and my heart squeezed ever-so-sweetly.
So now we’re at my place. Not bad. There’s no one here. It’s quiet - perfect. We go into my room. The walls are covered with t.A.T.u. posters.
“Nice room… you’ve got a lot of posters. I’ve got more, though,” Lena laughs.
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